Jokes, bit of lol an hehehe an haha

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it? " the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No. "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? " "No. " "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum? " "No ", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business! "

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.. "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here? "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727? "

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large ". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows ". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those "? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas "?"


(personal fave)

LOL!
What did the 5 fingers say to the face?

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?


lilly

Things to do in an elevator.

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space"

8 things you'll never hear a man say:
1) Here honey, you use the remote.
2) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
3) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
4) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
5) Butterflies isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
6) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
7) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
8) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
1) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
2) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
3) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
4) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
5) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
6) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
7) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
8) Hey, pull my finger!

Butterflies? lol. Couldn't the person who edited this come up with a better word?
The word i used wasn't even that bad

lol it wasnt edited thats the forum filter.

Sorry guys just have to do this once : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK2tWVj6lXw

P.S: thats my joke