Jokes, bit of lol an hehehe an haha

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second. " In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third. " In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads. "

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. " The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out? "The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. "The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. "The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. "The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret... "

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica. "

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States. " "Yes I am. " said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband? " "Yes. " she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered. "I'll give you 100 camels for her. " The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "she's not for sale. "
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home. "

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Two nuts were walking down the street when one got a-salt-ed.

-SirPenguin/Kindness

8 things you'll never hear a man say:
1) Here honey, you use the remote.
2) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
3) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
4) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
5) Butterflies isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
6) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
7) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
8) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
1) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
2) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
3) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
4) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
5) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
6) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
7) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
8) Hey, pull my finger!

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from? "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from? "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin. "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to? "Saint Mary's ," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62. "This is unbelievable! ", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! "About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on? " he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again. "

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know? "Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them. The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack! "