Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:50 pm
Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue I
This is my first submission for the competition. I really hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've made a few minor alterations to it, because I made some mistakes.
Constructive criticism and ratings out of 10 would be especially appreciated.
The unwanted youngest son of a wealthy merchant prince, you had always had to prove yourself to your father: prove that you were better than your many brothers, prove that you were worthy of his affection. But no matter how hard you tried, no matter how much gold you made trading on the lethal seas, your father had eyes only for your oldest brother.
It seemed that to gain his love, you would have to do something truly spectacular, accomplish something that no one else ever had in the aeons of your kingdoms history: retrieve the fabled eight great relics; the keystones to the future: with them in your possession you could accomplish anything you wanted and gain anything you needed, even your fathers love.
And so it was, that several years after you set off on your greatest adventure, you came to the Lost Temple, with the relics cradled in your journey-scarred arms, ready to do what no one had done before. But you were betrayed. Stabbed in the back and left for dead by those you trusted most, the members of your own crew. For many, the promise of riches and greatness outweighs the worth of friendship. The portal wouldn't work for them: as the legend says, it would only work for those with pure hearts and good intentions. Instead, a great maelstrom opened up, devouring your treacherous crew and ship whole, and scattering your beloved relics across the floor of the deep, unforgiving ocean.
You awoke several days later, on a beach, surrounded by flotsam from the mighty storm. Your exterior wounds had mysteriously healed, but you were a broken man. Everything you had worked, bled and cried for, had been taken from you, just when you were about to finally achieve your life's ambition. Days passed as you wandered the streets destitute, and desperation turned to determination. Life was cruel, but it wasn't going to stop you. The relics could be retrieved once more, and you wouldn't make the same mistakes again.
And that is how you are here, with a crude merchant ship and submarine, earned with nothing but your own ingenuity and built with your own work-hardened hands, these humble vessels are your only hope. Rebuild the great merchant empire that you once owned, find the eight relics that you once held in your hands, and earn your fathers love!
Constructive criticism and ratings out of 10 would be especially appreciated.
The unwanted youngest son of a wealthy merchant prince, you had always had to prove yourself to your father: prove that you were better than your many brothers, prove that you were worthy of his affection. But no matter how hard you tried, no matter how much gold you made trading on the lethal seas, your father had eyes only for your oldest brother.
It seemed that to gain his love, you would have to do something truly spectacular, accomplish something that no one else ever had in the aeons of your kingdoms history: retrieve the fabled eight great relics; the keystones to the future: with them in your possession you could accomplish anything you wanted and gain anything you needed, even your fathers love.
And so it was, that several years after you set off on your greatest adventure, you came to the Lost Temple, with the relics cradled in your journey-scarred arms, ready to do what no one had done before. But you were betrayed. Stabbed in the back and left for dead by those you trusted most, the members of your own crew. For many, the promise of riches and greatness outweighs the worth of friendship. The portal wouldn't work for them: as the legend says, it would only work for those with pure hearts and good intentions. Instead, a great maelstrom opened up, devouring your treacherous crew and ship whole, and scattering your beloved relics across the floor of the deep, unforgiving ocean.
You awoke several days later, on a beach, surrounded by flotsam from the mighty storm. Your exterior wounds had mysteriously healed, but you were a broken man. Everything you had worked, bled and cried for, had been taken from you, just when you were about to finally achieve your life's ambition. Days passed as you wandered the streets destitute, and desperation turned to determination. Life was cruel, but it wasn't going to stop you. The relics could be retrieved once more, and you wouldn't make the same mistakes again.
And that is how you are here, with a crude merchant ship and submarine, earned with nothing but your own ingenuity and built with your own work-hardened hands, these humble vessels are your only hope. Rebuild the great merchant empire that you once owned, find the eight relics that you once held in your hands, and earn your fathers love!