Chuck Norris

these made me cry of laughter

When chuck Norris does push ups, he isn't pushing himself up, he's pushing the earth down.


*pops collar*

If you spell chuck norris wrong on google it doesnt say "did you mean Chuck Norris?" it simply replies, "run while you still have a chance."

chuck norris can play the violen with a piano.

chuck norris doesnt play god. playing is for children.

Chuck Norris once ordered a bigmac from a mcdonnalds. He was so unsatisfied with it he round housed it into a wendy's.

Chuck Norris once squeezed a rock so hard it became a diamond.

A hurricane is a result of chuck Norris exhaling.

Im sorry... The following is a long, but very funny list of chuck Norris jokes. They are short ones. I will have likely 2 more sets to post.

A meteorite didn't destroy the dinosaurs. They made chuck Norris mad.

Chuck Norris can light an ant on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer... Too bad he's never cried.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.


Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. 

Chuck norris got bit by a rattle snake....
After three days of pain and agony ...
The rattlesnake died!

When someone shoots at chuck norris the bullets dodge him.
The Jedi don't use the force. They use chuck norris

there is a reason for the edit button andyis

Minused the fact thingy cause it didn't seem classy/:

Please don't double post, as shade, coolie, and I will tell you, there is an edit button for a reason, please use it.


Here is 2.0... 3.0 coming soon.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

 Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.


When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the rainbow out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

www.google.com then search chuck norris facts....thats what everyone posting did